When she was 12, Ria’s father told her that she was God’s gift to him so he wouldn’t commit adultery. For seven years that followed, he sexually abused Ria. At the age of 19, she ran from home, and not even threats from her parents that she was going to hell could dissuade her. She had no job, no money, and no college degree. She worked two jobs and went to school at night. It was not an easy life, but it paid off. Ten years down the line, Ria had an MBA and the life she’d always wanted. Today she shares her story to give hope to women and girls going through a similar challenge. Indeed, it is never over until God says so. Also, if you do not bow you will not burn. Her story is one of courage, determination, and resilience…and more importantly, God’s redemption. I am inspired just thinking about it.
Please give me a little background into your life as a young child before being sexually abused.
I was raised on a very isolated farm in woods, with limited outside contact. I was homeschooled and never attended a public or private school. We didn’t attend church regularly. I had a few friends, other homeschooled children, but social events weren’t frequent occurrences. Dad was an absolute ruler in our world. He gave my Mom a curfew – she had to be home by 5:00 pm if she went to town to run errands or see family. If she was even one minute late, she was in trouble.
Dad controlled everything. Mom didn’t work outside the home, so Dad made all the money, and I remember her begging for money to buy something for herself, like makeup. He decided when, or if, we could go somewhere and do something and there were always rules when we did. If he ever found out we broke the rules, we were disciplined. One time, my grandmother took us to swim at the YMCA. Since I didn’t have a bathing suit, I had always just swam wearing shorts and a T-shirt. Grandmother bought me a bathing suit and then I got in trouble when Dad found out. He didn’t want me swimming if there were any boys around and he thought bathing suits showed too much skin. It was ok to go swimming if there were only girls around, though.
Tell me a bit about your parents. What kind of people were they?
My early life was chaotic. My parents were very “different” as early as I can remember. Dad was always very critical of everyone else, blaming them for his problems. According to him, everyone he met was out to get him. He believed in government conspiracy, and he didn’t believe in paying taxes. We didn’t have health insurance or car insurance because he believed that was a sin – you didn’t need insurance if you trusted God. Dad was self-employed from the time I was around 8 or 9, so work was never steady. Sometimes we didn’t have money, and our animals on the farm would half starve before Dad found work. We never went hungry ourselves, but we didn’t have a lot. Our house on the farm wasn’t finished – the walls were bare studs for a long time. We didn’t have central heat and air, and would freeze in the winter and burn up in the summer.
My mom just followed along with whatever Dad decided. I believe she wasn’t a strong person, and would never cross him on purpose. She also just wasn’t able to cope with responsibility. Normal household chores simply seemed beyond her. I was always wearing dirty clothes many days at a time because I didn’t have clean ones, the laundry would pile up in huge piles in the laundry room, waiting to be washed. She would put on a pot of water to boil and forget it, and the pot would burn up.
When and how were you first abused?
I was twelve when Dad started having conversations with me about the facts of life. Soon, they turned into conversations about how I was God’s gift to him, so he wouldn’t have to commit adultery. I was told my parents didn’t have a physical relationship, although I don’t know if that was true. Within a few months, he was taking off my clothes. Then, the touching started and later I was taught to touch him as well. He waited until we were home alone, or at night when he would tuck me in bed.
How did you feel? What was going through your mind the whole time?
I felt horrible, dirty, and this huge burden of shame. I started having nightmares; terrified someone would find out how bad I was. I didn’t understand it, and so I just tried not to think about it.
Were you able to talk to anyone about this?
No. No one ever asked, and I wouldn’t have dared to bring it up first.
Do you have any siblings and if so were they abused?
I have a brother who is about a year younger than I am. I don’t know what, if anything, happened to him. We were both always disciplined very harshly with physical punishment; probably what some would define as physical abuse. Dad had a temper and when we crossed him, he never “spared the rod.” Or the belt or switch either.
How was your father able to get away with abusing you for a seven-year period?
He was a complete ruler in our world. We dared not question him, and he controlled everything we did, who we talked to, who we spent time with, even if we were allowed to visit grandparents. And, he was very good at manipulating me, so I was so scared, too afraid to talk to someone on my own. Even though family members and friends saw some signs and were suspicious, they simply just didn’t dare get involved.
What made you decide to run away?
I was miserable, living three different lives. I felt little sense of self-worth, no self-respect, and considered taking my own life. I was desperate to get away, and it took three times before I was finally able to break away for good. I longed for freedom to simply live my own life.
In hindsight, how did this challenge impact your life?
It has shaped me, and for a long time, it defined me. I continued to carry the burden of shame and guilty feelings, not realizing that my refusal to talk about it only made it much stronger over me.
I was very socially awkward when I left home. I didn’t interact with people well; most people probably thought I was shy. I didn’t talk to people. I barely could carry on a conversation. It took me years to learn how to come out of the shell I had built to protect myself.
In hindsight, is there anything you would have done differently?
That’s a tough question! There are many things I would do differently if given the chance. The strong woman I am today would love to go back and tell the scared girl to stand up for herself more, tell someone, or leave home sooner, but I know I did the best I could at the time.
What advice do you have for others who are going through a similar challenge?
The one thing I think we all need is to know we are loved. Even if you feel dirty, worthless, or ashamed, or unloved, you need to know that God loves you unconditionally and so do I. You need to know God created you for a special purpose and even though God doesn’t cause the pain in our lives, He can use it. You don’t choose to be a victim – but you can choose to be a survivor.
There are resources available for someone who is going through abuse. I list some of these in my book, Ria’s Story From Ashes To Beauty. If you aren’t in the US, use the internet to find resources in your area.
What was life like for you when you left home without a college diploma and a means to support yourself?
I realized I needed a job. I was fiercely determined not to be financially dependent on anyone because I knew money meant having options. I also knew I would have to start at the very bottom because I didn’t even have a high school diploma or a GED. Mack encouraged me to go to school, but I was determined to make a living right away. I found a job as a waitress, and it taught me a lot! I earned my GED and started going to school at night. It took me ten years to finally graduate with my MBA. At times, I worked two jobs and went to school at night or on the weekends.
Did you have to go through therapy? How did you get healing after your traumatic experience?
I attended counseling for a little while after leaving home, more because everyone thought it was a good idea. However, since I wasn’t invested in it personally, I didn’t get much out of it. Counseling didn’t really seem to be about moving forward; it seemed more about talking about the past. I was ready to move forward, and I didn’t want to talk about the past. I stopped going after a little while.
Please know I’m not saying counseling or therapy is bad – it just wasn’t a good fit for me. The right counselor would have been a much better experience.
I think only God provides true healing, and it wasn’t until I realized my purpose and started sharing about my experiences that I found healing.
Did your family try to look for you after you left home?
Yes, they made a few attempts to reach out. Dad called only once – and told me I was going to hell because I left his home. He wrote a few letters.
Mom came to visit a few times, but when I told her why I had left, she blamed me. I asked her not to come back after that. I didn’t need to hear how it was my fault – I needed to hear how she loved me.
Have you ever experienced a season or seasons of loneliness and how did you handle it?
After leaving home, I never again considered taking my own life, but I think I experienced some mild depression once or twice. Once, it was just a tough time; I was working two jobs and going to school full time, and trying to be a step-mom and wife. I was working hard, and just not making good decisions about stewarding my health, emotionally and physically. Eating the wrong things, not exercising enough and so on.
I’ve also gone the other way at times – exercising too much. I once saw exercise as a way to control my physical body, and I wanted control because it gave me a sense of power. We can become addicted to something that would normally be considered healthy, and I have since learned to find balance and take a holistic approach to wellness. There are four dimensions to people: Physical, emotional/mental, social/relational, and spiritual. All four dimensions must be healthy and balanced out for wellness. That doesn’t mean we don’t have to, at times become a little unbalanced, but we can still be in harmony.
How do you feel about your father now?
I don’t bear any bitterness or hatred. Forgiveness is more about us, not the other person. In all truth, I can’t “not forgive” something that Jesus already died to forgive. That’s not my decision. We cannot control what happens to us in life, but we can control our response to what happens. That’s the power God has given us. And with it, responsibility to choose wisely.
What is your relationship with your parents like today?
I don’t have one. They moved away and don’t talk to anyone in the extended family.
How did your experience affect your walk with God? Did you at any time feel you didn’t want a relationship with Him because your parents failed you?
No. I didn’t feel the need to turn away from God. I was raised as a Christian and I was baptized as a teenager and I would have considered myself a Christian but it really wasn’t until I began to share my story and really realize that I couldn’t overcome my past by myself, was really when I turned to God and said, well I can’t do this by myself. And since that time, my walk with God has gotten incredibly closer day by day, and it’s an amazing gift when we learn to just release and depend on Him, that’s when we find that He has all the strength in the world for us. We only have to depend on it. A hand just waiting for us to grab it.
When and how did you meet your husband?
June 16, 2000. We met at a social club/bar. I don’t believe in random chance; I think God orchestrated a meeting, and it almost didn’t happen! I was still living with my parents and sneaking out at night. We started talking and dating, although I had to sneak around to do it. I wasn’t allowed to date. It didn’t take long for Mack to guess what was really going on with my Dad, and Mack just asked me one night. I broke down and cried, and confirmed it, so ashamed. He immediately said he would go to the authorities, but I didn’t want to. So, he told me I could go live with my grandparents or whatever, but I wasn’t going back home. I choose to move in with him instead. We became engaged almost immediately and married the following year.
How did your experience of sexual abuse affect your view of men and how did it impact on your relationship with your husband?
I tried for a long time to simply pretend it never happened to me. I learned to shut it up in a deep dark closet and threw away the key. Compartmentalizing worked ok – I was able to function very well in life by pretending it never happened. But, I didn’t have true healing. I use the analogy of a wound. If we close it up without letting it heal from the inside, it will fester and never heal completely. If we let open it up, expose it, and let it heal from the inside out, it will eventually heal. It will leave a scar, but the scar tissue will be stronger over time.
I don’t believe men are any different than women in the sense that we are all fallible. We all sin, and we all make mistakes. That’s why we need God’s grace!
Mack has been an incredible influence on me in every way. He has encouraged me, supported me, and allowed me to simply grow in the person I wanted to. He gave me space when I needed it, and still does. He honored my request to simply not talk about my past, and we didn’t talk about it for the first thirteen years of our relationship. However, when I decided to share my story with others, he was very supportive and has been every step of the way. He is my biggest cheerleader. I pray every woman finds a spouse like mine!
What is interesting is that Mack was agnostic when we met, and for the first twelve years of our marriage. He only recently became a Christian.
What else would you like people to know about you?
I was the state mountain biking champion in Alabama and Georgia in 2011 and 2012, for my division. I conquered my fears and learned to mountain bike, even though at first I was terrified of getting hurt. I learned to crash, and yes I did get hurt, but I learned to get up again. I think that taught me a lot about learning to be resilient. Life is like that – we fall, we crash, we get hurt, but we have to learn to get up again to win the race.
What are you most grateful to God for helping you to do?
I’m most grateful to God for allowing me to tell a little bit about His story through my life. It’s incredible to be able to demonstrate how God can give us healing and peace, in spite of pain. I love being that example of Him – to God be the glory!
How has God received the Glory through your life?
I hope my life is a living testament to God’s grace, mercy, healing, and love. I pray that others can see God’s light shining from me! In God, I am redeemed, restored, and made whole. Without Him, I would still be broken.
Where can people get more information about you and your achievements?
Visit RiaStory.com to read my blog or TopStoryLeadership.com to learn more about my speaking or see my books. Connect with me on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, or Instagram. You can also order my books through Amazon or Barnes and Noble.
Ria Story has several books available on her website TopStoryLeadership.com or on Amazon or Barnes and Noble.
