Kenise Etwaru is a recording artist, songwriter, worship leader, motivational speaker, executive HR coach and author of the book, The Good Wife and The Other Woman. She is a multi-talented woman who desires to use all her talents and abilities to bring glory to God’s name. Kenise shares with us her joys and frustrations of being the daughter of two pastors, her divorce and how it changed her life forever, and the journey to writing her autobiography, The Good Wife and The Other Woman. Read her story and be inspired to find purpose in your pain.
Kenise will you please tell us a little about yourself? I understand from reading your bio that both your parents are pastors. What was that like for you as a child? What was great about it and what frustrated you about being a pastor’s child?
I will start with the what was not so great about it. It was I like living in a glass house. Everyone dictates your entire life, what you do, what you say, how you do it, when you do it, they look at what clothes you wear, and they look at how much makeup you have on, your hairstyle, and they just have so many wonderful inputs to tell you because they all feel that they care. That is the one thing that I just hated about being a pastor’s daughter. It was like living in this glass home where I just felt like everyone was always looking at every direction. But what I loved the most is having parents who are amazing at not only loving God, loving and shepherding a congregation, but they lived what they preached. And because they did that, they were amazing examples to my sister and I, so that is what I loved about being part of a pastoral family. I would not give it up for the world, I mean, if anybody was to ask me, kenise if you were to be somebody else’s family who would you choose? I would not choose another family. My family were just amazing. Just amazing. I love it.
I am glad to hear that. Will you please share with us the transition from being a pastor’s daughter to being God’s daughter?
Well, that happened early, pretty early, maybe it is later, but it happened around sixteen. I was always playing piano, my mother wanted me to start leading worship, and I didn’t want to lead worship, and she said, but this is the call of God upon your life, and I fought it. I fought it for about a year, my entire sixteenth year, I’m like, why do we need to do this church thing? I just want to hang out with my friends; I don’t understand why this is such a big deal. And then one Sunday, I remember it was January, the weekend of my birthday when I was going to turn seventeen, the Holy Spirit just fell during our worship. There was a blizzard that was coming, so we were trying to finish the service earlier than expected and the Holy Spirit fell and before I knew it, nobody touched me, nobody prayed for me, I got down on my face and I just started calling out to God, I was like, yes Lord I’m going to do it. Wherever you tell me to go, I’m going to go. What you tell me to do I’m going to do it. And on my way home driving in this blizzard, I was explaining to my parents what was going on, and my mum was like, you see that’s why you need to intercede as a mother and father because we didn’t have to force you any more, we left the Holy Spirit to deal with you. And that was my transformation moment at that point.
That’s quite an interesting story. I’m sure you learnt a lesson there, that you can run from your parents, but you can’t run from God.
That’s right. That’s exactly what they were saying, like you fought us but go ahead and try God, go ahead and try Him. It’s not going to work.
Exactly. Kenise, let’s talk about your divorce. You were recently divorced. How did church folks receive that? You already talked about how it was for you growing up; you lived in this kind of glass house where everybody was looking at you, you didn’t have much privacy, people were constantly in your business telling you what to do when to do it, and how to do it. So how did they receive your divorce with you being a daughter of two pastors?
Well, at first people really didn’t know about my divorce, my separation. My separation came rather quickly. My marriage, it went from blissful love to a nightmare almost overnight. And so, I continued doing music and leading the worship because that’s all I knew. I felt I didn’t know who I was at that point or what was going on in my life, at that point, but I kept leading worship. So really in my church, people didn’t know. When people eventually found out, nobody really talked about it, nobody said anything really, a few of my close friends in the church they were there through this entire process with me but pretty much nobody spoke about it. At first, I was resentful. Because here I am, I’ve been there for so many people, to help people through their bad times, and here, this is me going through my worst time, and I felt like the people I thought were going to be there, they weren’t there for me. What I figured out, later on, was that they just didn’t know what to say how to say it, how they were going to deal with it, it was kind of like they weren’t sure. And it’s now, years later, because that was in 2012, that people are coming out, after the release of my book, to say Kenise, we didn’t know how to deal with this or what to say to you. I heard so many different people tell me people who did not like me from the beginning that they were like, well, this is what she deserves. I’ve heard everything. I’ve heard everything. I stayed silent. I remained silent because I didn’t even know what to respond and I’m not typically lost for words. But I stayed silent, and the word of God repeated over and over in my spirit was, be still and know that I am God. In this process, you be still, you know, that I’m God.
So, how did the divorce impact on you and your family, that would be your parents and your sister?
It was tough; it was very hard. I did not share much with my parents nor my sister. They were there, they were good support during my separation and my divorce, but I didn’t want to share too much information with them and the reason why is because they were hurting. They were hurting so much, and it hurt me because I’m already involved in this, I am hurting. To see them hurt, on top of my hurt? At that time my daughter was one turning two years old. So my parents, just looking at their face, words could not describe. So I really did not share a lot of information, they were just supportive, they were just there, they held me up in prayer and encouragement and totally supported me throughout this entire process, but I didn’t share much with them because they were hurting.
Yes, I can appreciate that. And I think it’s probably a good thing that your daughter was still small, or you would have had to deal with that too, explaining to her what was going on, and having to deal with her own pain.
Definitely. Definitely.
Let’s talk about your talk show. You have a talk show; I’m divorced now what? Will you please tell us how and why this came about and what impact it has had if any?
Well, the name, that was one of the topics that I did on a series of talk shows from last year. A friend of mine who’s also a pastor’s son, divorced also but he got divorced, later on, he was married for over twenty years and went through a divorce and very similar. He actually was my producer for my first album that I released. So we talked a lot about our relationships, divorce, what we went through, so we decided that the church doesn’t really talk about this stuff, really we go to church we put on a mask everybody just goes in and says hallelujah, thank you Jesus and just leave and we don’t deal with the core of these things. Many churches don’t. So, we decided to do a talk show together; the Kenise and Marc Show and our first topic was that topic; I’m Divorced What Now? And really what we wanted to say was like, pretty much you’re divorced, yes. You went through it; maybe you made a wrong decision, maybe the other person made a wrong move or the wrong decision, so what’s the next step for me now? I’m rebranding myself; I’m rebuilding myself, I’m finding myself, I’m getting closer to God. So, what are you doing? And we went through steps which somebody who’s going through a divorce or separation can follow because sometimes you’re lost, and you’re forgotten, and we don’t want people to feel that way. Yes, you’re still loved by God. Yes, you can still fulfill purpose and destiny. Yes, you can still fulfill ministry. Yes, you still have the call of God on your life. But you have to fix that hurt, that brokenness and that’s what we talked about in that show particularly.
Wow. That sounds like something really amazing. So, if people want to listen to that where do they go?
They can go on to YouTube and just search the Kenise and Marc Show. And we talked about some hot topics that a lot of people, churches, and Christians were saying why are you guys talking about this on the internet? Because we don’t talk about it in the church and if we don’t, who else is going to talk about it?
Exactly. Do you think the church finds it embarrassing to talk about divorce? What’s your take on that?
Yeah. Yeah. The divorce rate in the church is higher than outside the church, and that’s because we don’t talk about it.
I think we just want to, like the ostrich, bury our heads in the sand and pretend it’s not happening. But it’s happening.
Right. Right. And I know people in church, in ministry, that are going through the most difficult times, but they must keep their face forward because they have to stand in front of a pulpit they have to minister. So, they’ll just keep it going, but I believe that ministry starts in your home if you’re married, ministry starts in your marriage, ministry starts in your family. So yes, you’re right, we are burying our heads.
Hmm. Okay, let’s talk about your book, The Good Wife and The Other Woman. What is this book about, why did you write it and what do you hope the readers will take away from it?
That’s a loaded question. The book, The Good Wife and The Other Woman, the Holy Spirit gave me the title before I got the book and pretty much what it is, people will have to read the book in order to find out really what it’s about. So, it’s an autobiography, and it’s pretty much my experience, but I talk about what the role of the good wife is and then what the role of the other woman is. And the reason why, if men were to step out of their marriage or out of a relationship why do they go to the other woman? Most people feel it is for intimacy but it’s more than intimacy, and that’s what the book really talks about. So what I did was I presented certain things that a man is looking for, based on my personal experience and some research that I’ve done with men, to say this is what they’re looking for in the good wife. But these are things and qualities that the good wife forgets to bring to the table, or after a certain time she doesn’t do anymore, and these are things that she continues doing which the other woman does not do. So, I broke it up, so each chapter covers the perspective of the good wife and the other woman, and if a woman could put both attributes together, she would have a perfect relationship if she puts the work into it.
Well, it sounds like an amazing book. Did you find writing this book therapeutic or was it challenging to share your story? How did the writing of the book impact you?
It’s a hundred percent therapeutic. A hundred percent therapeutic. It took a while for me to write this book and that’s because I would write and cry my eyeballs out as I wrote so I’d have to go back because I couldn’t see the screen anymore. It would just trigger certain things, certain memories that I would stop writing and I would pause, and I would like literally like in a movie you know when you go back in your memory, and you start like playing out the whole scenario all over again? But it was very therapeutic for me because I seemed to pretty much say, Lord, I just empty all of these negative memories out, and I just want to fill myself with the joy that came with it. Because for every negative that I wrote that I went through in my book, I talked about what happened and what happened after the negative what was the positive that came out of that negative.
That’s good. So where can people find the book to buy?
They can find it on Amazon. They can also go on to my website and purchase an autographed copy from my website. My website is keniseetwaru.com
Okay. Now, what advice do you have for the woman who is going through a divorce or who is already divorced?
Well two separate advices, that I would have because they’re in two different stages in their life right now. If they’re going through a divorce it’s a different stage, and then if they’re thinking about a divorce it’s a different stage but if I was to summarise both of them, I would advise, don’t lose yourself in the process. Don’t lose yourself in the process because what happens is that we lose our identity we become something else, we become someone else in the process, either from the negativity spoken to us, people telling us certain things, so don’t lose yourself in the process because you can easily lose yourself in that process.
That’s very true. It’s possible to lose oneself when one is going through a traumatic experience. Definitely. So apart from your parents and your sibling, who or what support was available while you were going through your divorce? Did you have to go for some kind of therapy or counselling? What support was available?
My book talks about the importance of having strong women and friendships in your life. I don’t have, never did have many friends, but I’ve had about, I can count them on one hand, four friends that stood by me and they were part of my therapy. They were part of it because they made me laugh. One of my friends specifically would come once a week and would take me out for lunch and regardless of what I was doing she would say, I’m taking you out to dinner, I’m taking you out to lunch. For six months, she did that every single week. She didn’t care if she came to my house and I was in my pajamas she was like, let’s go. And then I also had later on, because I wasn’t in the mind frame or the state of mind to go see a therapist, I felt I was still broken, eventually, probably around month eight after my divorce, I decided to see a relationship therapist. Specifically, his niche was divorce, and I went to see him, and I was with him for about a year. Every week I went for therapy with him.
So, do you think that that’s helpful, that women who are going through a divorce need to have some kind of support network whether it’s a professional therapist or just a strong network of good friends who can help them get past the trauma and the bad memories?
I think you need both. You absolutely need both. Having those my close girlfriends in my very inner, inner core circle, they were amazing. They wanted me to forget the pain, but it was forgotten for that moment you go away for the weekend, yes, you’re having fun, you’re hanging out with your girl, you’re going shopping, you’re having dinner, you’re going to see a broadway show, things like that. For the moment, the pain is gone. But you need that therapeutic clinical someone, he didn’t know me, and I love the fact he didn’t know me because at the end of the day when my friends dropped me off at home or I got home I was back to being so depressed. Because now it’s all gone, they’re all gone, they went to their own home, they went back to their husbands, they went back to their families, so that’s what happened. Having the therapist in my life, I was able to share with him everything, what I felt, without being judged. Because that’s what he was there for, he didn’t know me; he didn’t know my background, he didn’t know my upbringing, he didn’t know anything about me so he could not judge me. He was there to listen to what I had to say and give his advice, and I loved it, it was so helpful.
That’s awesome. Now talking about Kenise as the worship leader, recording artist, and songwriter, you’ve told us a bit about how the journey began with you falling on your face in church before the Lord but how did you move from that point to become a songwriter and a recording artist?
I’d always written songs, and that was something my ex-husband and I because he was a musician, we wrote, well, I wrote a lot of songs, and part of our plan was that he would produce all of my music for my songs. And it happened, as soon as I finished writing my ninth song because I was doing my first album with ten songs, my ninth song, this is when it all happened the entire marriage collapsed. So, I was left with these songs, and we had just gone to a studio to start working on the new project, and then everything went crazy. So, the person, the engineer, Marc who we’re like best friends he helped me through it. He said you need to continue doing this album, and reluctantly, I didn’t want to, I really didn’t want to, and with his help and support, my family’s help and support and encouragement, I pushed through it. It took about two to three years because I was still healing, but that’s how I kind of transitioned to doing the album.
So, is that the one album that you have, or do you have more albums that you’ve released since that time?
No. I have the one album called, You’re Amazing, that I released in 2016 and then I knew I wanted to do the book, so I did not have time to work on a second album. I’m not sure if I’m going to be working on a second album I really want to focus on where the seminars, the conferences, are taking me in regards to the book. I love worship, I am a musician, I love praise, it’s my heartbeat, and that would definitely be incorporated in any seminar or conference that I do, but I don’t think I’ll be working on a new album soon.
Okay. So, the book is opening a new chapter to your life?
Yes.
So, I guess congratulations are in order then?
Yes. Yes, thank you. (She laughs).
Where can people find this music? Where can they find your album?
Sure, iTunes, Google Play, again they can go on my website. You can download it right from Google Play on my website. Yeah, iTunes, Google Play.
Okay. Still talking about your music, where did the inspiration come from? You’ve got ten different songs in that one album. Where did the inspiration come from to write those ten songs and what is it that makes your music unique?
When you listen to the album, it is all different genres. So, I do some Jazz, I do some country, I do some soca, I do a reggae, I do gospel, I do a little bit of R & B, and so there’s a mixture of that which I loved, I mean, I just really had so much fun with doing this. The inspiration all has a story, each one of my songs, and I kept all of it, the originals from my notebook before they even got on a music sheet. A few of them I wrote while my father would be preaching. The Holy Spirit would drop something into my heart, and while he’s preaching, I’m humming a melody, something he says, I grab it, I write it down, and the words would just come, so the middle of a service, I’m writing the music. There were many times when I would just sit in front of my piano and just start playing, and the Holy Spirit would just drop, about three of my songs came like that. And then the others I just had when I was sleeping. I would get up, and I would just start writing. One of them is called, Roar, and it’s very simple but it talks about there’s a roar in the spirit can you hear it? And the Holy Spirit woke me up one night and I don’t know, I can’t explain it, I can’t describe it, it just happened. I woke up and started writing the words for the song.
That’s wonderful. I believe that your life would have changed in some way from the time that you began to write the songs to the time that you released the album when the project was completely over. In that what ways did the project, change you?
That was also therapeutic, writing those songs. Because I have such a heart for worship, I have such a passion for worship, it didn’t change me, but it brought me closer to God. It brought me so much closer to God, I mean when I listen to my own music. This past weekend I was sitting, and I just pulled out my album and started playing it, and I just started worshipping. You know it just draws me, and so it changed me personally, it changed Kenise, not because I wrote it not because I know the music but because it would help me encounter more of this God that I serve. And it not only made Him this God, but He became my father. He became my best friend. He became my counsellor. He became everything that I needed Him to be. So when I wrote this song, the name of the album is called You’re Amazing, the words cannot describe how I feel about Him, I summed it up with those two words, it’s like Lord, you’re simply amazing.
He is. So, Kenise, what plans do you have for the future, apart from your seminars and your conferences?
That’s a good question, what plans? I have a lot of plans, I do. I do have a lot of plans. I think right now; I would say my plans would be to be led by the Spirit of God and whatever God wants me to do. Because I could have my own plans, but it’s His plans that will ultimately prevail. So I would say right now I do have a plan of stuff that I want to see, goals that I want to attain this year, but right now I’m just leaving it all to Him. And on a basic level, my plan right now is to be an amazing mother to my daughter who’s nine years old and just be the best woman out there that I possibly can be to help other people and just be a follower of Christ and be an example of that.
Wonderful. Kenise, thank you. How can people contact you if they want to know more about you and your ministry?
Sure. Multiple ways that I would love to hear from people, they can find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, all of those are all under my first and last name Kenise Etwaru. They can also connect with me on my website keniseetwaru.com
