Tamar was the beautiful virgin daughter of King David. One day her dreams of marriage and family life were shattered when without forewarning, she was raped by her brother who should have protected her from rape and in her own home where she should have been safe from rape.
Let’s take a quick look at the story of Tamar. The Bible says, in 2 Samuel 13:1-20, “and it came to pass after this, that Absalom the son of David had a fair sister, whose name was Tamar; and Amnon the son of David loved her. And Amnon was so vexed, that he fell sick for his sister Tamar; for she was a virgin; and Amnon thought it hard for him to do anything to her. But Amnon had a friend, whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah David’s brother: and Jonadab was a very subtil man. And he said unto him, why art thou, being the king’s son, lean from day to day? wilt thou not tell me? And Amnon said unto him, I love Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister. And Jonadab said unto him, lay thee down on thy bed, and make thyself sick: and when thy father cometh to see thee, say unto him, I pray thee, let my sister Tamar come, and give me meat, and dress the meat in my sight, that I may see it, and eat it at her hand. So Amnon lay down, and made himself sick: and when the king was come to see him, Amnon said unto the king, I pray thee, let Tamar my sister come, and make me a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat at her hand. Then David sent home to Tamar, saying, go now to thy brother Amnon’s house, and dress him meat. So, Tamar went to her brother Amnon’s house; and he was laid down. And she took flour, and kneaded it, and made cakes in his sight, and did bake the cakes. And she took a pan, and poured them out before him; but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, have out all men from me. And they went out every man from him. And Amnon said unto Tamar, bring the meat into the chamber, that I may eat of thine hand. And Tamar took the cakes which she had made, and brought them into the chamber to Amnon her brother. And when she had brought them unto him to eat, he took hold of her, and said unto her, come lie with me, my sister. And she answered him, nay, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Israel: do not thou this folly. And I, whither shall I cause my shame to go? and as for thee, thou shalt be as one of the fools in Israel. Now, therefore, I pray thee, speak unto the king; for he will not withhold me from thee. Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her. Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone. And she said unto him; there is no cause: this evil in sending me away is greater than the other that thou didst unto me. But he would not hearken unto her. Then he called his servant that ministered unto him, and said, put now this woman out from me, and bolt the door after her. And she had a garment of divers colours upon her: for with such robes were the king’s daughters that were virgins apparelled. Then his servant brought her out, and bolted the door after her. And Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colours that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on crying. And Absalom her brother said unto her, Hath Amnon thy brother been with thee? but hold now thy peace, my sister: he is thy brother; regard not this thing. So, Tamar remained desolate in her brother Absalom’s house.”
Lessons Learned from the Story of Tamar
- Tamar became a broken and desolate woman, not only because of the incidence but because her father did nothing to redeem her or punish the perpetrator. The matter was swept under the carpet. Tamar was left to deal with her circumstances. Without healing progress was inevitable; Tamar was lost and could find no way out of her predicament. There are so many Tamars out there, women who are not only broken because of what happened but bitter because their families did nothing to protect them and nothing to punish the wrongdoer.
- After Tamar was raped, she tore her beautiful dress and put ash on her head. At that moment she was accepting (because she knew no better) that she was no longer qualified to wear the dress that the virgin daughters of the king wore; she was mourning the loss of her dreams which undoubtedly included getting married someday. Many women like Tamar have counted themselves out of good; they have lost hope because of an incidence that shattered their dreams.
- Time will not heal the wound that has been created in the heart of the victim. People usually make the mistake of thinking that time heals wounds, but the reality is that time in and of itself does not heal wounds, it infests and infects wounds. It is what we do with the time that brings healing.
- There was always help available to Tamar, but because she didn’t see right, she remained desolate the rest of her life. One brother had failed her, yes, but another brother stepped in and risked his life to fight for her honour. One brother threw her out of his home but another took her into his home. One brother rejected her in her crisis but another embraced her in that crisis. And in it all, there was a God who loved her and wanted to restore her. But she saw only what she had lost. When people go through a negative experience it is their perspective more than anything else that determines whether they rise or sink with the situation. Tamar walked away from her experience blind and hopeless. She saw only what was lost; therefore, she couldn’t see what was left. Our ability to see what is left is crucial as it energises us to rise after every fall.
- What emotions do you suppose Tamar felt as she walked away from her brother’s house after he had raped her? Rejection, anger, bitterness, hatred, malice, un-forgiveness, despair, hopelessness? Perhaps jealousy of her sisters who were still virgins and had their lives ahead of them? A bit of resentment? Have you had a similar experience? What emotions did you feel? Do you know a woman who has had a similar experience? What emotions did she feel? Whatever they may be, please understand that you cannot have meaningful relationships and live a fulfilled life with these negative emotions.
- After Amnon brutally raped Tamar, he rejected her. He claimed he loved her, but after taking her virginity, the hate he felt for her was even greater than the love he claimed to have for her. And he said to her, “Arise, be gone.” He no longer wanted her. It was over for him, but for Tamar, it was only beginning. She would remain desolate and never marry as she had been rejected by the one who should have honoured her but chose to discard her. As Tamar was thrown out of Amnon’s house, she became a victim of rejection. She was broken, bruised and hopeless. And not because she was raped but because she was rejected. Tamar viewed Amnon’s rejection of her as being worse than his raping her, for she said to him, “there is no cause: this evil in sending me away is greater than the other that thou didst unto me.” And so, we can safely conclude that it was his rejection that shattered Tamar.
- Rejection makes the victim feel unloved and unwanted. It is the absence of a feeling of pure and meaningful love. When a person is rejected, their spirit is broken. This was the case with Tamar, and this is a dangerous situation for anyone to be in. Rejection often leads to anger, guilt, loneliness, fear, and grief. Some victims of rejection become rebellious, critical about everything and everyone, vengeful, and of course, develop low self-esteem.
- After Amnon raped Tamar, she undoubtedly hated herself and was filled with self-disgust. This is usually the case for a lot of women who have been raped or sexually abused, especially by members of their family who should have protected them from such ordeal.
- After Tamar was raped, she not hated herself, but in her own eyes, her value dropped. Suddenly, the man who was not worthy of her because he had raped her and mistreated her became perfect for her, and she begged him to let her stay. Perhaps you can relate because there is a Tamar in every woman who has been hurt or is hurting. It never occurred to her that there was something better ahead of her. That her best days were not behind her but before her; that she could still have her dreams and even live life to the fullest. She was willing to settle for less. Don’t settle for less. Don’t let your traumatic experience fool you into thinking you no longer qualify for the best.
- Lack of self-love makes a woman remain in an abusive relationship to her detriment. Lack of self-love leads to promiscuity, jealousy, addiction and destructive habits, prostitution, and being critical of others and life. Women who do not love themselves are usually saboteurs of their good. They believe they do not deserve anything good, and so they sabotage whatever good seeks to find its way into their lives. Self-sabotage was the reason Tamar begged her abuser to marry her. It was possibly a reason she remained desolate.
- Until you love yourself you will consciously or unconsciously sabotage every step you take in the right direction; the reason is simple, you think you don’t deserve that which is good, and a lack of love for yourself creates that thought. Until you love yourself, you cannot truly love another. Until you love yourself, you will continuously be in search of love. However, you will be unable to find it, for you will fail to recognise it should it appear, and you will accept in its place that which is not the real deal.
- Tamar embodies many different types of women. She is the woman with daddy issues, who has been let down by her father. The woman who has made sacrifices and continues to make sacrifices for her family and is unappreciated.The woman who has been rejected by men who claimed to love her and made her promises they never kept. The woman who has been used and discarded without a thought. The woman who is crying on the inside. The woman who is dejected, devastated, depressed, isolated, and lonely. The woman who is misunderstood and hated. The woman who has given up and can no longer pursue her dreams. The woman who has experienced domestic violence. The woman who has experienced sexual abuse and incest. The woman who has been raped. The woman who has been robbed. The woman who has been oppressed and silenced. This is Tamar. Can you relate?
