Dr. Yolanda Jerry is a retired air force veteran, speaker, author, coach, and entrepreneur. She coaches inspires and empowers victims/survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, and youth bullying. Yolanda shares her story as a sexual assault and domestic violence survivor and what it takes to no longer be a victim but a victor! She is the Founder and CEO of YJ Empowerment Solutions, LLC. Walking away from an abusive marriage did not come easy for her, and she knows first-hand and explains why many women prefer to remain in abusive relationships. The most potent lesson she took away from that season of her life is the fact that she can Get Back Up!
Yolanda shares her journey of going from sexual assault and domestic abuse victim to strong survivor and advocate who is helping other women. She has turned her pain into her purpose. Yolanda was in London, UK, on the 20th of April 2019 to share her story in more detail at the maiden edition of DOZ Live Inspirational Conference tagged Get Back Up! She was amazing. After the event, I wrote her a review, and this is what I said; Dr. Yolanda Jerry was in London on the 20th of April 2019 to speak at my event, DOZ Live Inspirational Conference (DOZ Live). At this conference, she shared her experience of sexual assault, domestic violence, bullying, and grief. I found her to be very passionate about inspiring and empowering women with her story. I thought she was very knowledgeable about the topics she discussed and had done her research very well. She also demonstrated the ability to hold the audience’s attention. She spoke for about 45 minutes, but it felt like a few seconds as the audience stayed glued to her all through. She is a fantastic speaker. I would certainly be inviting her again. I loved the delivery of her message, and the audience loved it too. I would also recommend her to any individual or organisation seeking a speaker.
She is truly an amazing woman who has turned her pain to purpose. Read her interview and be inspired not just to rise above your circumstances whatever they may be, but to turn your pain to gain!
Yolanda, you are a retired air-force veteran. What was it that attracted you to the military and why the air force?
Great question! You know, I don’t get asked that question a lot, so I’m glad that you asked that question. So long story short, I come from a family where, my dad, he was a Vietnam veteran and also my mother, she is from the Philippines so of course, they met over in the Philippines. So, growing up in a military household there was kind of that military legacy type thing that I always wanted to make sure that I carried on. But my journey started with me thinking about coming into the air-force when I was a junior in high school. I had a sibling, and I knew that my parents wouldn’t be able to send both of us to college. In my mind, I was like, well, I knew that I wasn’t ready to go to college right away and so I sat down, and I talked with my dad, him and my mum, and I said, would you all be okay if I actually went into the military? And of course, my dad, he was very supportive of it, my mum not so much in the beginning. Probably because of all the things that she had to endure with being a spouse of a person that was in the military; probably it was just more of a fear of what if my child goes out there and something happens? But with that being said, they both agreed that they would allow me to go into the military and so I actually signed up delayed entry as a junior in high school. Now the thing was, which branch of service was I going to go into? And my dad, he only gave me two options. He was like, it’s either you go into the air-force, or you can go into the navy. My dad was in the navy, so that’s why the navy was the other choice. And he said air-force because he’s also served in air-force reserve too, so he had a little bit of a background of how the experience with both sides looked. And I’m the type of person yes, I love to swim, but I don’t think I could have been on water for six months at a time being away from family. That’s just a little bit too long for me. So, I opted to go into the air-force. Being in the air-force was great; it offered me a lot of benefits; I had the opportunity to see the world. Had I not gone into the military I don’t think I would have had that much of an experience outside the United States. So, I’ve had a great career, it hadn’t always been peaches and cream, but I always made the best out of everything because that’s how I was raised. And I continue to excel. I had great leaders, great mentors, great people in the community, and also now I have extended family that I can call family as well because of the military. So yeah, it was great. I enjoyed my career. You know if somebody wanted their child to go into the military, I’m all ears if they want me to talk to them just to give them the good, the bad and sometimes the ugly. But at the end of the day where can you go, where you can get a paycheck retire in 20 years and still be under the age of forty? That’s what I did. I retired at 38 years old. And then start a new career, which I did, and still carry on my military benefits too. I don’t have to worry about medical benefits or anything like that. So, I’m thankful for that.
So, what lessons did you learn in that season of your life which are now useful to you in your life and your business?
One of the things that I learnt that I did get from the military is how to be resilient. That’s one of the things that I know, in the air force that they talk about. Sometimes we will have days where we just focus on that because we deal with so much stress in our lives personally and professionally. So, I did carry that throughout into my own personal, professional career after the military, and that is to know how to be resilient. We can fall down, but we get back up again. It’s just how you decide to get back up. Instead of going into depression or going in the other direction, at the end of the day, always look for the positive inside the negative. There’s good stress, and there’s bad stress but at the end of the day don’t let it get to the point where it takes you down the wrong road.
So, what is the one thing that you miss about being in the United States Air-Force?
The camaraderie. Oh my gosh. So, it was an adjustment, going from the military to what I call the civilian life. The military is more close-knit when it comes to doing things together or coming together; I don’t know if it’s because we had to. But even if we had to, we still made the best out of it. I think I really do miss the camaraderie, the support system when it comes to supporting each other through the good the bad and the indifferent because we had each other. It’s like we can just call on somebody or even if we are at work and we’re stressing out someone will be like, okay calm down. Whereas now, in the civilian sector, for me it’s like sometimes you don’t think that you can go and talk to other individuals because they may not understand because there’s a disconnect, you know what I mean? There might be a disconnect. You may be talking in military lingo, but then they don’t understand half the acronyms you’re saying or understand what you got going on because some of the things that we have to endure is a lot for them to understand. So, I think the support system is what I miss and the camaraderie you know, doing things as a team. I’m not saying I don’t have things now as a team, but it was just a lot more close-knit to me, like a big family, a big kumbaya I guess when it comes to anything that we had to deal with. There was never a doubt that somebody had your back and it’s probably because we had no choice but whereas in the civilian section if somebody doesn’t want to have your back, they don’t necessarily have to.
Let’s talk about your marriage. You were in an abusive marriage for five years. When and how did the abuse begin and what was it like being in an abusive marriage?
So yeah, it was five years. I would say it started right after I came back from Korea because I met him in Korea. We got married before we ended up leaving there, and we ended up at our first duty location. I was new to it; this was my first time being married. To me, I had this idea of what a marriage should look like and what it should be like and so certain things that have been just was not right. I would say it probably was a year, not even close to a year even after we got married when this abuse started happening and I’m talking about like a mental and emotional and then it led to the physical. So, it didn’t take that long, and there were the signs, but I didn’t see them as signs. I thought it was just part of a normal argument that a married couple has when things weren’t going right. So I didn’t know, I was young, and one thing just led to another, the arguments happened, they got worse and worse, we were basically yelling at each other, and you know you’re throwing things around the house, it just seemed like it kept escalating and getting worse, and worse as time went on.
So, prior to getting married, there weren’t any red flags that you picked up that made you wonder if he would hit you someday? You didn’t see, or you didn’t recognise if there were any red flags before getting married?
No. Absolutely. I did not see any red flags, any signs. And you know that was the question I was asked even by my counsellor; did you see any red flags or any signs? Before we got married? No, I did not see those signs, and I think that also contributes to the fact that we didn’t know each other that long, because we hadn’t even known each other for a year and we both jumped into getting married. So, I think that had a lot to do with it too because I didn’t give myself enough time to get to know the person that I decided to marry. So, in that short amount of time, no, I didn’t see any red flags.
Correct me if I am wrong, but in the military, a man would be court marshalled for hitting his wife, and in that way, the military protects military wives. You were a woman in the military what sort of protection was available to you?
Well, here is the thing, I hid everything. So, they didn’t know the abuse was going on until close to the point where I pretty much had enough. I covered up a lot of things, and I take into account that some of the things that happened to me are because I allowed them to happen to me even though they were wrong. The abuse was wrong, mentally, physically, but I kept the military aspect out of my marriage. When I say covered it up, even if I was bruised or hit or grabbed, and you’ve got to remember that in the military we have uniforms where just about all parts of the body is covered. So, if I was able to cover it up, I did. So, they didn’t really know much about what was going on in my house until I actually got to the point where I had enough.
Speaking of having enough, what was it that finally made you decide to leave the marriage and end the cycle of abuse?
So, it’s a couple of things; one, my daughter. You know, whenever we would have fights or arguments, they weren’t around her, and because she was really young at the time, a lot of times she was either asleep or at a friend’s house. The abuse never happened where she’d seen us at each other. So the one time that she did see it and I heard her scream at the top of her lungs that was a trigger for that bulb in my head to light up a little bit and say uh-oh my daughter is seeing this. So, she was one reason. And to me at that point, it’s like God has given me a sign, He’s using my daughter to get to me. So, for her to see that that was one thing that led me to say, okay I wanted to do something about it, and what do I need to do to end this? Even after she’s seen that, needless to say, I still stayed. So, it took another extreme for me to actually decide, okay this is enough, enough is enough. And that was when I got beat to the point where now, I can’t cover it up. I thought I could; I ended up with black eye and you know I can’t cover myself, with clothing, so in my mind I’m still trying to cover it up with makeup. I went on the internet tried to find tutorials, to learn how to put on makeup. I’m a very natural person, and I don’t wear makeup unless it’s time for me to go show up at an event or function. So, I learned how to do all that; I learned how to put on eye shadow, eyeliner concealer, all those things and went to work. And that one day I went to work you can imagine how some people felt when they saw me walk into the workplace and that’s the first time they ever have seen me glammed up like that. Like who glams themselves up to go into a military workplace? At least not me. So, with that being said, someone told – up till this day I really won’t know who did it, but somebody went to the first sergeant, and the first sergeant called me to the office. He said, you need to come see me, and in my mind I’m like it could be two things, something bad or something good, one way or the other. But I couldn’t think of anything bad that I did because I was always doing my job; I was always on time, I always met deadlines; I did everything that I had to do. So, going to his office, I’m wondering, what am I being called there for? Because when you get called to the first sergeant’s office like I said some people they kind of get nervous, anxiety goes up, because a lot of time it’s because you’ve gone and got in trouble or something. Again, I couldn’t think of anything that I’ve done. So, when I went to the first sergeant’s office, and I reported to him. In so many words, he was like, what the heck is going on? But of course, the words were worse than that, and I couldn’t lie because one of the air force’s core values is integrity first. And so I had to tell him the truth about what was going on because he knew that I was wearing makeup. He was like, you don’t ever wear makeup so what’s really going on? So from that point I was forced to tell the truth, and he also said, you can go ahead and take that makeup off. And from that point, I was just an emotional wreck because I had to uncover everything that was under that makeup and he got to see that true thing of what happened to me that weekend prior. So at that point, I had to say, okay this is really enough. I got to the point where I was fed up. I had to get pictures taken at the emergency room; it had to be reported to the family advocacy people on base, I had to seek counselling and all those things. But that’s where it all pretty much started for me to start thinking. But even still, and you’re probably going to be like, oh goodness what? I still didn’t leave. I didn’t leave initially right away. Even after all that I initially didn’t leave right away. But it didn’t take long after that when I realised, okay, my job knows about this, I have a daughter that I need to take care of, and I don’t want her to think that it’s okay for her to grow up in something like that and think it’s okay and accept it as normal. So, I did reach out to someone, and I was thankful that person didn’t turn me away.
Speaking of the person that you reached out to when you decided to leave, you called her, and she said it was okay for you to come over to hers and that was what gave you the courage to leave. I want you to tell us a bit about that and also what do you think your life would have been like if your conversation with that friend had gone differently and how important is it that women, especially those being abused have such friends in their network?
So yes, I did have a friend, and this friend, had she told me no, I think I would still be there. And I say that because I don’t think I would have reached out to anybody else. You know how sometimes you feel shame and you feel guilty because of all the things that you’re going through; you’re worried about what other people would think of you? People like to gossip; people like to talk, and in the military, even though we are close-knit if something gets out, believe me, everybody knows. Because the military is small, right? So, she was somebody that I knew that I could trust, and she was also somebody that I knew that he did not know where she lived. So, by him not knowing where she lived, he couldn’t come after me or after my daughter if I left. So, I think if she would have shut me out, I probably would still be in that situation, and if I stayed long enough, I don’t know, I probably may not even be here to tell my story. Had she turned me down I probably would have stayed because I would have felt well if she didn’t help me there’s nobody else that’s going to help me that’s just how I looked at it at the time. I would be afraid to go to anybody else because when somebody gets told, no, they’re more scared to go ask somebody else because they’ve been shut down. And I think that’s probably what would have happened I would have gone back to where I was, staying in that relationship and continuing to take the abuse and then allow my daughter to grow up in that type of household, which was not healthy. So, you say how important? It’s very important for women. And they say, oh don’t hide anything. No. I truly think that there should be at least one friend that you know, at least one, you don’t have to have many, just one that you know that you can trust with your life. So, if you ever get to a point where you need them it’s like they would drop everything to be there for you. That particular friend, she’s still here today. She has a beautiful daughter, and I do whatever I need to do and whatever I can to make sure that if they need me, I’m there. If her daughter needs anything, I’m there. I’m forever indebted to them because it could have gone the wrong way.
Yolanda, many women are unable to leave their abusive husbands. Why do you think this is so, and what advice do you have for the woman who is in an abusive marriage?
So, going from my experience, and why do I think that women stay in abusive relationships? It could be a number of things. It could be for finances, maybe that’s where the bread and butter is; he’s the one doing most of the support or if that household income gets cut in half and you have bills, and you don’t think you can make it on your own. So that could be one, finances. The other thing is shame; people that are in a marriage and they’ve been with somebody, and this is all people see. If you ended up getting divorced, you feel that you would get looked down upon. She can’t be an example for anybody to follow; she has baggage, nobody would want to be your friend. So, shame would be another one. And just knowing that the mental aspect of it, them not knowing how to deal with life in general because this is all new to them. And having to start all over is tough because you were used to being in a marriage and now it’s no more. So you don’t know how much money you’re going to have, you don’t know who you can depend on, you don’t know where you would have to go, and you don’t know, with life as a whole how things are going to turn out. And I attribute that to not having an education or not having the resources because you say what advice can I give to the woman who is in an abusive marriage? Again, have someone that you can call on at least one person that you can trust, a friend. And there are all kinds of resources out there all you have to do is google and type in domestic violence or domestic abuse and so much stuff will come up. Even if it’s in your area, there’s bound to be a shelter around there, somewhere near you. And last but not least you have the national hotline too as well, that you can call and talk to someone and they can connect you to someone locally if you can’t find the area locally. So, there’s so much information out there, which technology has allowed us to be able to easily get that information. Whereas it was a struggle for us because technology wasn’t as advanced back then as it is now. There’s so much out there; there’s no reason why a woman should have to feel like she would be alone at this day and age. There’s no reason why she should feel like she’s alone. But the fear of the unknown, that’s always going to be there for anyone that’s in an abusive relationship because they have to start over and it’s like they’re starting from scratch and starting over late in life and feel like they wasted all these years in a relationship.
What is the single most powerful lesson that you took away from that season of your life?
The most powerful lesson for that season? It’s that I can get back up. I can get back up. Just like Donnie McClurkin says, we fall down, but we get back up. That’s the biggest lesson right there. Yes, I fell down, and I fell hard but look at me now I turned my pain into my purpose to be able to help other women who are going through what I’ve already been through.
Yolanda, you have a book titled When a Woman is Fed Up. Will you please tell us about this book and your reason for writing it?
Yes, the book is titled, When a Woman is Fed Up. What it is, is a collaborative book of overcomers of domestic violence abuse. And it’s all women. We all come from different aspects of the abuse where there’s mental, where there’s physical and different backgrounds. From former NFL player’s wife to a minister’s wife, military spouse, so there’s different stories in that book, and the reason why I decided to do that is because we don’t talk about it enough. It’s like we have this one month and I know I have a voice, even before the book came out, I spoke about domestic violence; I spoke about sexual assault. But to me, being a part of this book will put it on a grander scale, where I felt that I could reach more than just my local community; and to reach out to just anybody in the world that maybe can search for information when it comes to how to overcome, or maybe the signs to look for and those things. But that was one of the first books that I actually became a published author of with the other women, and it’s something that I’m passionate about so that’s another reason why I say I decided to be a part of that project. Great book, actually it’s one of my best sellers. And I think sometimes when we remain true to ourselves, and we can open up about our pain, and speak about it, and be passionate about it, people are more likely to open up about what they’re going through. Even if it’s not necessarily coming from me but going to someone, who’ll be like, wow if these women did it I can do it too. And the book is available; it’s on my website, you can purchase the book on my website at www.iamyolandajerry.com it’s in my e-store. It’s available on Amazon too, but if a person purchases it from me, they can get an autographed copy. Some people always want an autographed copy of the book so, so I usually try my best to make sure that any book purchased from me has my signature in it for them.
Let’s talk about your current business or current job as founder and CEO of YJ Empowerment Solutions LLC. In this role, you render services to women, including being an advocate speaking out against domestic abuse. Why and when did you start this company and what results have you achieved?
Wow. So, I lost my father back in August of 2017, and my dad was one of my biggest cheerleaders he was my biggest fan, he pushed me hard, he made sure that I set out to do exactly what I wanted to do. So, before he passed away, in so many words he said, Yolanda don’t stop what you were doing before I got sick. And he said, after I’m gone, I’m still going to be here with you in spirit. And so that stuck with me because when he told me that, my dad ended up passing a few days later. And so by him telling me that, that just filled more fire to the things that I know that I needed to do. And I set myself up to do, and it also helped me along my grieving process. So, when I lost him, and he told me that, I was like, okay, what am I going to do now? So basically, what I did was I just started hitting the ground running. I started my business in February a year ago, and the whole purpose of my business is to positively impact people, show them how to come out of abusive relationships, anyway that I can be a positive influence to them. I’m a life coach, outside of being an author and I’m also a motivational speaker. Because sometimes people get stuck, and sometimes they need help. And I’m the type of person that if I can help you, I will. I don’t want to turn nobody away if I can help it. Because you may be the last person to help save that person’s life. And I’m the type of person that if I tell a person, no, I don’t want that blood on my hands. Somebody may be getting ready to commit suicide, and if I tell somebody, no, and find out they killed themselves I don’t think I will be able to live with that for the rest of my life. So, I try to display the best version of myself as I can. I’m not perfect, but my experiences have taught me how to be resilient; how to persevere, and know that if I have dreams and goals, I can still achieve them and keep on going. And that’s how I am today with my business; the goal is to make sure that people achieve their goals personally and professionally finding their purpose and making sure that their purpose that they want to set out to do is something that they end up having the passion for.
How can people contact you if they want to know more about you and what you do?
They can reach me on all social media, whether it’s Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or LinkedIn. They can follow me under @YJ Empowers. The other way is directly through my website; there is a contact me tab on my website www.iamyolandajerry.com, and they should be able to reach me directly, just put their information in and I should be able to contact them at my earliest convenience.
